[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
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If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️