Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

Interior design 👌

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

I needed a laugh this morning.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

dogs can find happiness so easily

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode