Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Lunatics are gonna loon.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.