Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

[INFOMERCIAL]

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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

🤣

i would wish you the best but i am the best

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.