House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”