House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The best plant holders?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
RT if you could go either way.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Coffee for people with no kids
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”