House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…