House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”