[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*serious situation*
My brain:
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.