Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?