Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

The old gods are rising again.

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Hot hot hot 🥵

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

termite twitter scares me

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

ㅤ

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*