Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Danger is very dangerous

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.