*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
WHY?!
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*