*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.