[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”