Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.