Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

🤣😂

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I love art.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.