@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

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@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

@BookisherBunny

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

@junejuly12

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

@Green_EyedMama

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok

911:

me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number ūüôā

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious

@Donna_McCoy

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

@maisonshouting

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

@quinf0ster

Overheard: ‚ÄúMy dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who‚Äôs going out tonight‚ÄĚ