@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

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@badbanana

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

@maxlavergne

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…

@AnOrangeSNES

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

@13spencer

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

@_elvishpresley_

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

@steeve_again

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

@CarrieMayhem

I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.