@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

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@JocMaxedOut

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

@Sean_Burgundy_

My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me

@shwebby3

A Smart car Zoomed past me

And vanished into a pothole

@billwurtz

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

@adamhess1

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

@JennInTheCorner

Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore