House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

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“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”


Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.


kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?


is this your card ?


*27 cards later* is this your card ?



Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”


I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.


DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*


In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.


i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor


Bee Gees Songs:
Saturday Night Fever
Sunday Night Scurvy
Monday Night Measles
Tuesday Night Typhoid
Wednesday Night Whooping Cough


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.