@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

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@TechnicallyRon

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@PORNOPINION

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

@mishakey

I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.

@iliezabeth

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

@scharpling

In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.

@jonnysun

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

@trentistweeting

Bee Gees Songs:
Saturday Night Fever
Sunday Night Scurvy
Monday Night Measles
Tuesday Night Typhoid
Wednesday Night Whooping Cough

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.