I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
When libraries troll their patrons.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”