I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”