Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I am yelling

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

if you relate to me, get some help

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

I love it all

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior