Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive