Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

They’re called werewolves.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it