Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster