Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot