[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
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I love art.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Investing in beetcoin
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?