Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”