[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke