Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

Me, flirting😏

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.