Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Damn what did I do next

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]