Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

#milo

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.