House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing