House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Children of the corn 🌽
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.