House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Smooooooth
*pronounces fake like saké*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
BRO LMFAO
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room