[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father