House salad yeah what’s next techno fries
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[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The French word for sex is croissant.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.