House salad yeah what’s next techno fries
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
there’s probably a fee though
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I’m tired tomorrow.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please