house sitting!
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8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Uh oh 👀
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.