House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I saw nothing
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.