House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
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GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street