houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.