houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.