Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
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aura
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Ugh but profoundly
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
PLOT TWIST:
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..