Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
At least try to make it slightly believable
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
