I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
wish me luck lads
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing