Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
You Might Also Like
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Can’t stop laughing
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.