Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I can’t stop watching this.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Fiction has to make sense.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The Friday File.
