Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I have so many questions.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school