Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

i can’t wait that long

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

my first day as a raccoon

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?