Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Don’t touch that.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
Multitask? I can barely unitask
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet