Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

brian had himself a morning…

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants