Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”