Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Not my job 😂

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

hackers play passwordle

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

I unironically love this joke.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain