-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Confused owl: What?!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes