Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.