“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.