“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Straight people are cancelled
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
no such thing as a dumb question
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.