Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?