Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos