Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
For the baby who has everything
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Have kids, they said
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”