How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19