How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Trumpy Cat
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
No one can handle that
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you