How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
You Might Also Like
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
