How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready