How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Better luck next time champ
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Probably my best painting.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Most Common Source of Electricity
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
best review i’ve ever seen
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.