How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.