How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
And bowling should be called pinball
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.