How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.