Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Inside you there are two wolves

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.