How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village