Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

🏠

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor