Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Doug is just Canadian for dog

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

real

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*