Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about to risk it all

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.